i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
