My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
