I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
