my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
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