if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
