I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Of course I have a pirate flag
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
