Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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