i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
