yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
