Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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