I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
