porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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