burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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