i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
