are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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