I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
