I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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