My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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