I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
