Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I love how my cats smell like pot.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize