Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
