There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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