Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
