I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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