Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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