what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
this hospital has no fireball
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
