everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
