Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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