My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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