Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize