why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
His nipple licking is glorious
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