he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
