I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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