Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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