There was a lot of him and a little penis
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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