Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
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