He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
