I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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