the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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