omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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