i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
