I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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