I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
