I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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