mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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