Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I need to sanitize my soul.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
please don't ironically join a cult
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