nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
