I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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