God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We have started to decorate penises.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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