I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
