I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I can't turn off my feet"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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