i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
