Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
