Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
