Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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