Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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