Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize