Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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