And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
