i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Pants 0. Shit 1.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
